Raising Raelen

As my granddaughter's tenth birthday approaches, I've been reminiscing about the changes she brought into my life in the last decade. Raelen is a multiracial child: her mother is black, her father (my son) is white. This has never been an issue for me, because as my friend once remarked, "you raised your kids to be color-blind." But I live in the real world and know that some may not view this matter in the same light.

But "black" and "white" don't truly describe her origins - for example, Matthew is part Native-American, too. (As well as German, Irish, Scot, Welsh, French, and English) I don't know the history of her mother's family, but I feel sure that Raelen's ancestry contains a similar mishmash of cultural identities as well as racial ones.

Raelen was born in Martinsburg, WV, on February 19, making me a grandmother for the first time, and my son Matthew, a father - at the age of fifteen. Her mother, Caylen, was also fifteen at the time. I was apprehensive about the whole situation, to say the least. I knew neither one of them were ready to take on the responsibility of parenthood, as they were children themselves.

We couldn't make it there for the birth, since we were living in Parkersburg at the time, but I took time off work the next day and away we went - me, Matthew, and my daughter Jessica. It was a long drive but we made it there with no problems and found the hospital easily. Caylen and the baby were doing well. Her mother was there with her and we stayed for several hours before heading back to Parkersburg that evening.

I had discussed the idea of open adoption with Matt and Caylen, and although they considered it, I knew as soon as I saw my granddaughter that she wasn't going to be given up by her parents. Matt and Caylen were "in love," and Raelen was theirs. They thought that was all there was to it. When I look at pictures from that day, it amazes me to see how young they looked. Babies holding a baby, utterly clueless to what lie ahead.

Shortly after Raelen was born, Caylen, her mother, and brother and sisters moved to Columbus, Ohio, to be closer to family. Frequently, I would make the drive to Nelsonville and we would meet halfway to pick up Caylen and the baby so they could come visit with us. They spent holidays and summer vacations at our house, but lived in Columbus with their maternal grandmother.

Caylen stayed in school and somehow managed to graduate. Matt dropped out of school, obtaining his G.E.D. at the age of seventeen. Johnna (Caylen's mom) and I shuffled the kids back and forth, and I would send money to Caylen to help with diapers and clothes other expenses. Johnna was a single mother of four, and though younger than me, a grandmother of two at the time. (She is now the grandmother of twelve, maybe thirteen?) A hardworking divorced mom, she had her hands full trying to keep up with the demands of raising her family, as well as I did. We tried to do the best for the kids and for Raelen, but times were tough and money was short. No one went without necessities, but it was definitely a hand-to-mouth, pay-check to pay-check existence.

Raelen was always clinging to her mom. And Caylen was a good mother, for one so young. She took excellent care of "RaeRae" and showered her with love and affection. My son, however, left a lot to be desired as a father in the early years. He was more interested in video games (which was perfectly natural, at his age). I knew he loved his daughter, but he was not exactly a participatory father in the early days. He was frustrating to me, on many levels, and I wasn't very good at handling him. A typical sullen, know-it-all teenage boy is hard enough to deal with, let alone one with an infant child.

But we managed, for the most part, and Matt and Caylen actually stuck it out for almost two years after Raelen was born, keeping their relationship going amidst daunting odds. Of course, things finally fell apart. It was sad for Matt and Caylen, and heartbreaking for Raelen, because it was her mother that left. She was just two, and had no idea why her mommy was gone. Caylen would flit in and out of her life, often seeing her literally for minutes before leaving again, with Raelen screaming and crying for her.

Matt and Caylen tried to reconcile. It didn't work out. Caylen got involved with another guy, and she and Raelen moved. This began a long cycle of Raelen being shuffled from one home to another. For my part, I would keep Raelen three or four days a week, sometimes more, and take her back to her mother for a day or so, then go get her again. Matthew was living in Morgantown, so I was picking up the slack.

Raelen had a baby brother by this time, and at the tender age of three, she would actually feed and bathe him and was quite the caretaker - a job I feared her mother was only too happy to shove onto Raelen's tiny shoulders. I worried about her home life, but felt helpless to change things. So I did the best I could, making sure I spent large amounts of time with her, buying her clothes and toys, giving her mother money when she was strapped for cash.

When Raelen started kindergarten in Columbus, she loved school. She was living with her grandmother, Johnna, and I felt fairly confident that she was provided for and taken care of. But before Christmas of that year, her mother got involved with a man in Cincinnati, and Rae was taken out of school, taken away from the home she knew, and transplanted in a place where she had no one familiar to rely on.

She didn't finish kindergarten. Caylen couldn't be bothered to get up and get her daughter off to school, more days than not. We had no physical address for her, and no phone number. Contact was sporadic at best. I spent countless sleepless nights worrying about her safety. These fears proved all too real when Caylen and the children ended up in a homeless shelter. Finally, they left Cincinnati and Raelen came home to West Virginia.

She came home to us in early May, and spent the next three months happily going to the pool, the movies, the beach, and just generally hanging out and having fun. When it came time for her to go back to Cincinnati, I pleaded with Caylen to let her stay with me. I extolled the advantages of living in our small town, going to a good school, and having her family around her. The answer was no. With trepidation, I packed up Raelen's things and sent her back to her mother. Caylen and her boyfriend by this time had added another child to the mix, making three little ones at home. They had problems, and the relationship didn't seem to be working out. Caylen moved - back to Columbus and her mother's house. Raelen was put in school there, and again, didn't finish the year. Back to Cincinnati they went,and soon another child was born, bringing the total to four children under the age of seven.

At this time, Matthew decided to move home. He had spent three years in Morgantown, working and learning to live on his own. He had grown up and matured a lot in those years. He had been taking financial responsibility for his daughter, paying his child support, and trying to maintain contact with her. But the issues with school, as well as her living situation, were a constant worry to both of us.

When Raelen came to us that summer, she was the same sweet, wonderful child she had always been. Having daddy home with her every day was an added plus, and she dove into her usual summer activities full speed ahead. We spent another great summer together, hoping and praying that somehow this time, she would get to stay with us.

When August arrived, Matt and I both talked to Caylen, once again stressing the benefits of living here with us. We could provide the love, the security, the stability and the safety that she could not. I'm not saying that Caylen didn't, or doesn't, love her daughter. But the truth is, she was and is poorly equipped to raise her. Health problems, poverty, and more children than she can handle (five of them, now) made their living situation shaky, at best, and dangerous, at worst.

In an unselfish and loving gesture, she gave Matt permission to keep Raelen for the school year. There was a catch, of course, but such a small one that it didn't matter. Matt continued to pay Caylen child support (I called it ransom money). Neither he nor I were concerned or upset about the stipulation. We had our girl, and that was what mattered.

Raelen thrived. She had always loved school, and I have to say, Pleasants County is a great place to go to school. Even though I had some concerns about her ethnicity in a predominately white school system, I had faith that the good people of Pleasants County would accept her and love her for who she was. Her second grade teacher, Mr. Thompson, was a kind man and an excellent teacher. Raelen loved him. She made friends easily and quickly. Every day that I dropped Raelen off at the door of the school, I silently thanked God for allowing her to be with us.

Again, summer rolled around. By this time, we were completely determined that Raelen would continue living with us. In the year that she lived in West Virginia, her mother never once visited, rarely called, and sent no birthday or Christmas presents to her. Raelen missed her mother and her brothers and sister, but was happy and content to live with us.

As we often commented, in St. Marys, she got to have a real childhood. She got to swim and play with her buddies. She went to Boys and Girls Club. She sold lemonade on the corner of our lot in town. She went to sleep-overs and birthday parties. She was living the carefree existence that every child deserves, but many don't have. In Cincinnati, she would be living a hardscrabble existence where poverty, instability and violence were the rule, not the exception. Once again, as the school year drew near, we made our plea to her mother. Once again, Caylen agreed, admitting that Raelen was doing well and that we were more capable of taking care of Raelen than she was.

Matt continued to pay child support to Caylen, but by this time was considering the other aspects of having physical, but not legal, custody. After much discussion and thought, he hired an attorney. And as of last August, he became her full custodial parent.

Raelen continues to bloom, to thrive, to amaze and delight us. She is a thoughtful, empathetic, loving child. She does well in school, participates in sports, sings in the chorus, and is a member of 4-H, which she loves. She's funny and and giggly and sassy and well-behaved and polite. Many people compliment her on her exotic good looks, but I always remind her that beauty is on the inside. Beautiful she is, inside and out.

Still, she misses her mother and her siblings, and I know it leaves a hole in her heart than will probably never be filled. I hate that, and I hurt for her, but there is nothing I can do to fix it, except love her as hard as I can and help her process her feelings with understanding and support. Matt is a wonderful father. He has dedicated himself to his daughter's well-being, and always puts her first. He works hard to provide for her. He sacrifices for her. They have a truly special relationship, and I don't know who is the luckier of the two.

She has her Aunt "Kika" (Jessica) and her baby cousin Noa, who are always around and who love her so much. She has her Great-grandmother Smith, "Gee-Gee", who has given her the benefit of her loving wisdom all her young life. She has her uncles (Ryan, Corey and Randy) and her Aunt Melissa, who each play a special role in her family life. She has her Granpod, Doug, a bachelor all his life who inherited quite a family when he became my significant other, and who teaches her how to shoot hoops and drive his pickup truck.

I know our story is not unique. I know that so many children born to teenage parents share a similar history, and share similar pain. I know grandparents often step in and raise, or help raise, these children, re-arranging their own lives in order to provide a chance for their grandchildren. I know single fathers and mothers who are doing a wonderful job, and a tough job, being mom and dad to their son or daughter and juggling the demands of career and children.

I feel lucky and blessed, to have such a close-knit and supportive family. I am grateful and thankful to be such a big part of their lives. Raising a grandchild may seem to be a burden to others. But in my case, helping to raise Raelen is the joy of my life. As I tell her, she's my oldest grandchild and my youngest child, all rolled into one. The running joke in the family is no one knows their true status - we have sister-aunt, and brother-dad, and gramma-mom, and brother-cousin in our confused and elastic definition of family. But it works, and most of the time, it works well for all of us.

So as we celebrate my granddaughter's birthday next month, I remain thankful and grateful to God that I have her in my life, that she is growing up strong and kind and secure as we can make her, and that her mother, in the most selfless way, has loved her enough to give her well-being over to us. Raising Raelen is a huge responsibility, but with our loving family working as one, an entirely do-able task.

Pearl S. Buck said, "The lack of emotional security of our young people is due, I believe, to their isolation from the larger family unit. No two people - no mere father and mother - as I have often said, are enough to provide emotional security for a child. He needs to feel himself one in a world of kinfolk, persons in variety in age and temperament, and yet allied to himself by an indissoluble bond which he cannot break if he could, for nature has welded him to it before he was born."

In our family, in our tight little unit, we are welded to each other, held fast by that invisible, unbreakable bond. From that unity of spirit we create our sounding board, our refuge, our soft place to fall. We are not a conventional family. We are a real family: a crazy-quilt mix of people stitched together by love, tattered but mended, colorful and unpredictable, who keep each other warm and cover each other.

Yes, Raelen brought change to my life. She made me grow and learn. She made life more complex. She made me busier. She made my life - and continues to make it - infinitely, wonderfully better.